RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN

RIDING THE CRAZY TRAIN

for everyone

1.

“Lord” Timothy Dexter, an early American Forrest Gump

Timothy Dexter was an uneducated laborer in colonial Massachusetts. From age 8 he was a mere laborer, but at the age of 16 he scored an apprenticeship with a leather dresser. He did well enough to attract the attention of a rich widow. Unfortunately, as a commoner, he was hated by the upper class. They decided to play off his ignorance, lack of sophistication and predisposition to whacky investments. They convinced the dolt to ship coal to Newcastle, England (the major center of coal mining in England), to send warming pans and mittens to the tropical West Indies and got him to hoard useless whalebone.

The Success

Those idiotic investments made him a richer man. His coal arrived in Newscastle during a major labor strike, causing desperate coal merchants to buy his stock at a greatly inflated price. The warming pans made a great ladling device for the molasses industry and Asian merchants bought the mittens for export to Siberia. Even the whalebone was immensely profitable when found useful for making women’s corsets.

To celebrate his fortune, he did what all fashionable rich men did: self publish a vanity book. His misspelled and unpunctuated “A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress” was published in 1802 and much panned by critics. Despite being nearly impossible to comprehend, the originals are now collectors’ items, naturally.

2.

John Mytton

The Crazy

John Mytton was an English squire who gained notoriety for his eccentric behavior. He also got into Cambridge despite being expelled from every school he ever went to. He brought 2000 bottles of port wine to sustain him. He dropped out when he found it boring. He then spent over 750,000£ to be elected to Parliament, but quit after 30 minutes when he found political debates boring.

What he found not boring was drinking, outrageous bets and dinner parties. He was most infamous for riding a bear into a dinner. Even when the bear bit his calf he kept it as a pet, only having it put down when it killed a servant (servant were, at the time, slightly more expensive to replace than bears).He once rode his horse to the top of a hotel and jumped the horse off a balcony over several diners. He also killed his horse by having it drink some of his beloved port wine.

He was an avid fox hunter who would strip naked in the course of the chase. He also was a medical innovator, successfully curing a bad case of hiccups by setting his shirt on fire.

The Success

“Mad Jack” was the subject of a biography by his friend Charles James Apperly. It was so popular that several reprints had to be ordered. Original copies or early reprints sell for thousands of British pounds at auction.

3.

William Price, Doctor of Crazy

The Crazy

William Price was a successful doctor who jumped on the crazy train during a visit to the Louvre in Paris. He saw an ancient stone with a Greek inscription he believed was from a Welsh prince no one else had ever heard of. He took the inscription to be a prophecy that he would liberate the Welsh people from England by reviving the druid religion. He became a popular lecturer about Welsh history and the need to revive the Druid religion, all while wearing a fox skin headdress and other bizarre clothing.

The Success

The most impressive accomplishment of his life was establishing the legality of cremation. He was caught in the act of cremating his infant son, who had died of natural causes. In court he proved that there was no law against cremation, allowing the practice to spread in England and revival of the Druid cremation traditions.

His prophecy of liberating Wales did not come true, but he is regarded as one of the best Welsh Patriots. In the town of Llantrisant, a statue was built in his honor, showing him in his traditional foxskin headdress.

Emperor Norton: San Francisco’s Royally Crazy Mascot

The Crazy

Many a man has seen his life change after a major business failure. Some bounce back, other drop out. But only one became the most beloved man in a major US city.

Such was the case with Joshua Norton, a businessman whose luck turned when he made a bad deal for Peruvian rice (surprisingly not slang for cocaine). Norton hoped to exploit a ban on rice exports from China. Unfortunately, so did everyone else, dropping the price of rice and wiping out Norton.

Norton was ruined and went into exile. But the failed businessman would not be kept down. He returned in 1858 and wrote letters to the local newspaper declaring himself “Emperor of these United States”. He later added “Protector of Mexico” to his title.

The newspapers, seeing this as funny, printed the proclamations. This encouraged Emperor Norton to issue more proclamation, such as dissolving Congress and ordering Army to do so by force. Failing that, he wrote to the Protestant and Catholic Churches to demand they use their god-ordained powers to name him Emperor.

The Success

Norton may have been a crazy bastard, but he was San Francisco’s crazy bastard. Despite his quirks, he was a beloved citizen. He would spend his days walking the city to make sure public spaces were in good repair. His royal proclamations included several benefiting his home city, such as demanding a $25 dollar fine for the High Misdemeanor of calling the city “Frisco”.
Despite having no means of support he ate at the finest restaurants for free, and the restaurant’s would have plaques stating “Appointment to his Imperial Majesty, Emperor Norton I of the United States” to boost business. Local theaters always reserved balcony seats for him. When he did pay money, it was his own currency.

Once a young upstart police officer arrested Norton and had him committed to an insane asylum. This led to protests and scathing editorials. The Police Chief publicly apologized and freed Norton. Norton, who was benevolent eccentric dictator, pardoned the offending officer. After that, all police officers saluted Norton when they passed him on the street.

When he died he was given an expensive casket by local business leaders and his burial was paid for by the city. Thirty thousand citizens of San Francisco lined the streets to pay homage to their fallen eccentric emperor. He was immortalized by Mark Twain, Robert Louis Stevenson, Neil Gaiman and Christopher Moore.

5.

George Fabyan

The Crazy

George Fabyan was a wealthy cloth dealer that retired to focus on cryptography, the study of codes. He believed that Shakespeare’s works were really written by Sir Francis Bacon and trained many cryptologists to prove the point.

He even convinced a Chicago judge of the fact when he was sued by the filmmaker who thought a book on the subject would hurt a Shakespeare film release.

The Success

Fabyan cryptologists were essential to the US war efforts in World War I. The US Army didn’t have enough code breakers and relied on Fabyan’s people. They ended up cracking the German and Mexican codes and providing valuable intelligence to the US